Let me guess: you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like mess. Emotional mess, I mean. You feel something uncomfortable—anxiety, sadness, guilt, fear—and your first instinct is to do something. Call a friend. Eat a snack. Scroll endlessly. Dive into a distraction. Pretend you’re fine.
If that sounds familiar, then welcome to the club. You’re not alone.
For the longest time, I was convinced that emotions were problems that needed solving. If I was sad, I had to cheer up. If I was anxious, I had to calm down. If I was angry, I had to get over it. Negative feelings were like little red warning lights blinking on the dashboard of my inner world, and I thought it was my job to switch them off as quickly as possible.
But somewhere along the way, I started to realize—maybe those feelings aren’t problems to fix. Maybe they’re just… feelings. Messy, uncomfortable, confusing—but normal. Human. And instead of rushing to fix them, what if I just let them be?
That idea changed everything.
The Fixing Reflex
I’ll be honest—I’m a fixer by nature. If something breaks, I want to fix it. If someone I love is hurting, I want to make it better. And when I’m the one hurting? Oh boy. I go into overdrive.
My mind becomes a busy workshop, hammering away at every difficult emotion, trying to reshape it into something neater. Sometimes I journal furiously, trying to “figure it out.” Sometimes I Google my feelings like there’s a step-by-step solution online. Other times, I go straight into avoidance mode—Netflix, snacks, social media, you name it. Anything to distract me from what I’m feeling.
It’s not that these strategies are bad. Sometimes, distraction is necessary. Sometimes, processing through writing or talking helps. But when we automatically jump into fixing, we miss something important: the chance to simply be with ourselves.
The Art of Sitting with Your Feelings
Sitting with your feelings sounds easy, but it’s actually one of the hardest things to do—especially in a world that glorifies productivity, positivity, and constant motion. We’re conditioned to believe that uncomfortable emotions are signs of failure or weakness. But what if they’re just signs that we’re alive?
Learning to sit with my feelings has looked a lot like this:
- Feeling sad and not trying to change the subject in my head.
- Noticing anxiety and allowing it to exist without immediately trying to “breathe it away.”
- Recognizing anger and not shaming myself for being “too much.”
At first, this felt unnatural. Like trying to relax while a fire alarm is going off. Every part of me screamed, “Do something about this!” But slowly, I started to notice something incredible—when I stopped fighting my feelings, they didn’t grow stronger. They softened. They passed. Sometimes quickly. Sometimes slowly. But they always moved.
Because that’s what emotions do. They move. They flow. They come and go like waves. The only time they get stuck is when we try to resist them, suppress them, or run away from them.
The “Feel It to Heal It” Thing
I used to roll my eyes at the phrase “feel it to heal it.” It sounded like one of those cheesy self-help quotes people put on Instagram over pictures of sunsets. But the more I lived it, the more I realized—it’s actually kind of true.
When I stopped trying to fix my sadness and just let it sit beside me like a quiet friend, it lost some of its sharpness. When I stopped arguing with my anxiety and let it be, I noticed it had something to say—like a messenger carrying news I hadn’t been willing to hear.
Our emotions have stories to tell. They’re not random. They’re responses. Sadness might be pointing to something we’ve lost. Anxiety might be warning us of a hidden fear. Anger might be revealing a boundary that was crossed. When we sit with our feelings, we get to listen to those stories. And when we listen, we understand ourselves better.
What Sitting with Feelings Actually Looks Like
Let’s get practical for a second, because “sitting with your feelings” can sound vague or fluffy. Here’s what it’s looked like for me, in real life:
- Naming the Feeling
This might sound simple, but it’s huge. Saying “I feel overwhelmed” or “I feel lonely” brings clarity. It turns a fog of discomfort into something you can recognize. You can’t sit with a feeling you can’t name. - Breathing into It
I’m not talking about fancy breathing exercises (unless that helps you). I just mean noticing your breath. Staying in your body. Letting the emotion exist without judging it. Think of it like sitting on a bench next to a stranger—you don’t have to talk, but you do acknowledge they’re there. - Resisting the Urge to Fix
This is the hardest part. It might mean sitting in silence without reaching for your phone. Letting the tears fall without trying to stop them. Not telling yourself to “get over it.” It’s uncomfortable, but it’s powerful. - Writing It Out (Without Editing Yourself)
Sometimes I journal, but not to solve anything. Just to say, “Here’s what I’m feeling.” No advice. No conclusions. Just raw, messy honesty. - Letting Time Do Its Thing
Feelings are like weather. You don’t control them, but you can wait them out. Sometimes, just giving yourself space is all you need.
Why We Avoid Our Feelings
If sitting with emotions is so healing, why don’t more of us do it?
Because it’s scary. It feels vulnerable. It forces us to slow down and get honest. And in a world that encourages us to keep moving, that honesty can feel like standing still in the middle of a freeway.
There’s also a fear that if we really let ourselves feel sadness or anger or fear, it will overwhelm us. Like once the dam breaks, we’ll drown. But in truth, the opposite happens. When we stop holding back, the wave moves through us—and then it’s gone.
Our emotions want attention, not control. They don’t want to run the show; they just want to be seen.
The Gifts of Sitting Still
Here’s the surprising part: once I got better at sitting with my feelings, my life got lighter—not heavier. I was no longer wasting energy pretending everything was fine. I stopped trying to perform emotional perfection. I got more honest with myself, and with others.
I also became more compassionate. When you learn to sit with your mess, you stop judging other people for theirs. You don’t need everyone to be okay all the time, because you’ve made peace with not always being okay yourself.
There’s a quiet kind of power in that. It’s not about being unemotional or stoic. It’s about being deeply, courageously human.
It’s a Practice, Not a Mastery
Let’s be clear—I haven’t mastered this. I still catch myself trying to fix my feelings sometimes. I still fall into old habits. But now I catch myself a little sooner. I pause. I breathe. I remind myself: it’s okay to feel this. I don’t have to do anything about it right now.
And that reminder? It’s a gift I give myself again and again.
Because sitting with your feelings isn’t about being passive. It’s about being present. It’s about trusting that your inner world is allowed to be messy sometimes. That you don’t need to always be fixing, improving, or managing your emotions like a to-do list.
You are not a problem to solve. And neither are your feelings.
A Gentle Invitation
So, if you’re reading this and you’ve been feeling something heavy—sadness, confusion, frustration—I want to invite you to try something.
Don’t fix it.
Just feel it.
Find a quiet moment. Put your hand on your heart. Name the feeling. Breathe. Let it sit with you. Like an old friend you haven’t seen in a while. You don’t have to entertain it or push it away. Just let it be there.
Chances are, it won’t stay forever. But it will leave you with something—a deeper connection to yourself. A little more softness. A little more truth.
And maybe, just maybe, the realization that you’re stronger than you think. Not because you fixed anything. But because you stayed. You stayed with yourself.
And sometimes, that’s the bravest thing we can do.
Ayerhs Magazine 